Love Physics

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You are sensitive and warm and your hands, they are so gentle like you, your tapering fingertips present the state of your mind, I must wonder how it’d feel to be enveloped in them, just disappear. You are dark yet there is comfort in that darkness, for darkness. You’re cozy in your shiver inducing stare, the eyes that look past anything are liquid, brimming with honey just waiting to be poured out, drunk, tasted, swallowed, your locks though not gold like the sun, are chocolate, so much the better, dark, just how I like it. You are cool, your breath is just like fresh air, the green breeze, the drizzle before and after the rain, you are bloated, hehheheehhh, but it feels just like me.

When I have you I want for nothing else, I seem to want for nothing, nor food neither even congress, you and me, that’s just okay, enough, no time, no room for lust.

When you want that one person nothing else, no one else, matters, you cannot do with anything else, no one else, nothing will do. Anything else is a distraction, even I am a distraction, my needs are a distraction, my narcissism and my vanity are a distraction, while looking at you, you are a distraction, you are a distraction to that which is us.

I need you, you might not know it yet but you need me, we need each other, each the other’s heart more than the body, mind more than the heart, the soul more than the mind, the essence of each other, the essence of us.

You and I are together in this, I refuse to be alone in this, we will be together in this or not at all, in Time. This is the last call. The last summons. There is none of that in love, but this is more than love, isn’t it. It’s the brink of love and like, hate and narcissism, vanity and selfishness, where all of them meet, and either build everything up, or raze it all to the ground, no mistakes allowed, no second chances, no looking back. “What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?” :’) What happens when same charged particles are forced together.

Let’s just hope that we don’t kill each other in the hope that this is too much fun.

Let’s make a promise to me, to each other, I’ll let you be you and you let me be more me. I vow not to destroy you at the expense of saving myself. You go down, I go down, we go down, together and one. I go down, I go down. I’m not pulling you down with me though, that will not be me, that’s not my nature. I cherish and savor being the sole savior too much, the lone wolf. Let me do that as a favor to me, a testament of my loyalty to us, to you, to this, to love. “If equal affection cannot be / Let the more loving one be me”? :) Let me have this last one, let me imbue you with the kiss of death.

It’s dawning

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Can you miss someone while talking to them? I miss you talking to you, not talking to you, I miss you while thinking of you, miss you while missing you, miss you between missing you.

Like you without even loving you, much less falling.

Who’s the moth and who’s the flame, can even you tell?

Who’s the afflicted and who’s the affliction, please tell me, do you know?

Are you feeling what I’m feeling? Because it’s not fun without you feeling too. Don’t make me jump through hoops, I’ve always hated games, it’s not fair to me. I’m  more than happy seeing everyone else play or maybe watch with someone, won’t you watch with me.

I’m narcissistic, don’t you get it. Why punish me for it when I already am, when I’m punishment enough.

I’m afraid of someday waking up and just not talking to you anymore. I’m afraid of not even wanting to. I have done that before, more times than I can count, for real. I like talking to you. Let me. Let me be. Let me be me. Let me be real. While letting me not let you be real, not make you real, not make this real. I’m a fucking tyrant, I need control, more than I had my whole life, why can’t you guess faster, aren’t I? Aren’t I more than up to the task? I think so.

Let me be simple, I’m simple, I’d like to be more, a bit more, that’s it, but for now, that is where I am, somewhat like you I need time.

I ask of you, everything, yeah, nothing, and everything, nothing but everything. I want more, more and more, why must you delay my gratification, that’s for me to do for myself, you can trust me to do that….or can you?

I don’t know what I ask of you, you see, nor what I ask of me. Am I a sucker for going after myself, seeking myself, even if it’s a dull void. I want to throw you in that void, against that void, you understand, and see if you bounce back. That’s kind of my thing, you get?

But it never happens because things in my world are upside down, or skewed or whatever, it’s like looking at the world through a fishbowl, everything’s different, crazy and that’s why I’m so excited. Everything gets me so crazy, I’m hyperventilating for the love of God, I like everything, love the whole Mother fucking Earth, all it’s little inhabitants, too much. Too much, those two are the words for me. The world doesn’t like it, oh no, they don’t and I have to keep it down, keep it from showing, hide everything, my face, but then my eyes show, my body, but then the contours of my burqa tell the story. What do I do. I hide within the hidden, my words within the secrets, the secrets within the words, it doesn’t kill me, it doesn’t sustain me. I’m not living, was I ever? Was I born still, I must ask. Did the hand of Fate strike me therein? I’m not living the way I was born to be, I’m just vegetating the hell out of “life”. And here you come, living, I must hate you. Must hate you now. Make it the reason of my living, make it the substance of my living, maybe it will be my Redemption. You are another hope, different, unique, but another hope just the same. You make me yearn for lost people, lost loves, whyy. You make me recall the lost faces, see them in you and out of you, like a twisted ying-yang, hate it, and I’m not allowed to even love you, fall, hahahhh. You’re making me hate my words, you’ve colored my walls all bright but now you blacken my heart, ashen everything, will there be anything left? I’ve loved, loved before, I’m hating, exploring hate, thinking about hate, hate that I’m hating right now. I’ve sucked in my breath, the hole is pulsating, making its presence felt, the pit of darkness darkening in the dead of the night, hidden from all eyes and mine. Where is my damn fickle heart, wander lusting around again, not here when I need it, it’s gone eating someone else’s pain and then later making me a gift of it, where are you when I need you, you fucking bastard!

You have a hole where your heart is too, right? Or a hole in your heart, because I haven’t felt it, your heart. After everything, I haven’t felt it breathing, or heard it ringing, have you ever heard mine? I’m curious, can you tell my heart? I’m feeling pretty dark right now, you care?

I shouldn’t have spent too much time on them, with them, trying to taste the little of their lives, the dark twain. I feel their darkness, within the dark twin of my heart, it has seeped into me. I’ve made you listen to it’s soliloquy, I’m wasting your time (if you don’t know by now), go away, and leave me alone (you’re bothering me now). The dawn is near and the demons are starting to ebb away, I can feel the darkness slumbering, they’ll be sleeping presently, I’ll let them. Oh God, I’ll let them.

On Mother’s Day

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I love my bae-bae the most even if I’ve got strange ways of showing/not showing it. Everything that I am, I owe it to her.
There should be at least one day where I get to thank you. First of all, thank you for making me into the woman I am today. Thank you for taking me to all those book sales, thank you for reading to me when I couldn’t, thank you for making me recite namaz, kalimas and dua every night when I was little, thank you for taking me to the library for the first time when I was 8, thank you for bringing me books home, thank you for asking the librarian to let me borrow books which they didn’t let kids borrow, thank you for reciting Faiz, Iqbal, Faraz and Meer to me when I was a girl, thank you for narrating Tess (as you call it) and Piyar ka Pehla Shehar and others to me when I wasn’t ready to read them myself, thank you for telling me the meanings to the words I don’t know to date, thank you for helping me navigate the uncertain waters of life, thank you for passing on the love of books, knowledge and writing to me, thank you for enjoying every bookish thing I drag you to and that without question, thank you for sitting at the bookstore for hours reading a book while I browse, thank you for singing kalam and ghazals to me (those that I like of course), thank you for drawing faces on your arms and legs and books and pages and everywhere for me to emulate, thank you for leaving writings on the walls and the sheets and the cushions and pillows and bits and pieces of paper everywhere, thank you two for having books all around the house, thank you for remembering whatever I drew and wrote for you and everything I said, thank you for being most yourself when you’re with us, thank you for trying to satisfy my insatiable appetite for everything crazy and of course food, thank you for being an inspiration, thank you for knowing and doing things before I know them, thank you for living with my quirks, thank you for being with me on my worst days, thank you for being with me every step of the way, thank you for letting me act the elder all the time, thank you for being there with me when I’m being the most difficult person in the world, thank you for letting me be all kinds of crazy, thank you for putting up with my insanity, thank you for your trust in letting me do almost anything I want, thank you for being proud of me no matter what I do, thank you for giving me more than anything I could ever hope for, thank you for being my best friend and my best confidante, thank you for always letting me make my own decisions, thank you for being the best example of selflessness, thank you for being the most talented, thank you for the kisses and the embraces, thank you for your kindness, thank you for your tolerance, thank you for being happier than myself for me, thank you for being the best person in my life, thank you for me, and most of all, I thank you for being you. :’)
I’m so proud of being your daughter, thank you for your DNA. And thank you for taking me up with the slipper so I would study hard. God knows where I would have ended up without it.  
I love all versions of you, the mother, the poetess and the teacher. People say you aren’t very brave but doing what you do is a special kind of bravery only special people are capable of. You are my everything, I can’t imagine myself without you. You know I love you the most, wish you had been more selfish,you’re too motherly for your own good, Happy Mother’s Day!
xx
#thebestpersonIknow #myconstant #everythingthatIam#tellthepeopleyoulove #HappyMother‘sdaytoallthewondrousmomsoutthere!:)

Woman

The First Time I felt Happy as well as Sad

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We were all sitting in the big, big first-floor courtyard. Is it even there now? Will it still look as big as it used to, to my child eyes?

As it had been every day that summer, the brother and sister duo had come to our house (not home, because that’s what it was) for their tuition lessons. Mom taught them in school as well as at our house.

We sat on mats spread in our courtyard in the afternoons (or was it the evenings?) and studied until it grew dark.

It was one of the good things about our rented house, the ample courtyard. We had rented it even though we owned a family home to flee the persecution of my dad’s family. Turns out, they care for him even less than we do, so much for blood relations. My mom had had enough, consequently so did my dad and we retreated peacefully. So, it was kind of sad but also nice.

Now, as I look back, many years past, I think we had some good times there. We had a nice bathroom with a shower and all. We had the whole floor to ourselves with comfortable space. And, we had that courtyard. Weirdly, I used to, sometimes, get scared of the enormity of it, but now I recall it the most about that house.

Once, a breeze was blowing, and it carried a dandelion seed into our midst on its back. We were past delighted. We, kids chased after it, thinking, it was something out of the world and somewhat lucky. I don’t remember who actually ended up catching it but it was cheery and fun, something worth reminiscing about, even today. Summer breezes were a refreshing break from the heat, rain, even better, we ran in the courtyard, we skipped in the summer breeze, danced in the rain, laughed and played.

One day, which left a special mark on my memory, was how we ended our homework time. We were studying late into the evening, lying on our mats in the courtyard, when little bats started flying over above our heads. That definitely was a cue to end our little meeting. Mom moved us into the little portico. We studied a bit and then concluded. The dusk, the feelings that I felt as a child, what was it, I haven’t been able to put a finger on it, but, now, as a new adult, I feel the same. Now, I know that dusk was a prediction of how the rest of my life was going to be, how I was going to feel later in life, where I was going to stand.

“The universe is beautiful,” He said.

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This is love. 😍

arfa masihuddin

“The stars are beautiful,” she said.
“The moon is beautiful,” she said.
…she said…

Gazing up, I wonder
how wide is this Night and
how deep are the Stars.

Lub dub!
And I sit here, wistfully.
Will ever the night-sky be mine to share?

“Shush, let it be!”
And I feel infinity in that strange,
strange whisper.

Is there another you
on an another earth?
Perhaps?

Living thy heart, thy soul.
A happy joy,
yearning for a home known, but unknown.

Angels and demons, again.
They do not hear, do not see.
It’s a war, again?

“The stars are beautiful,” he said.
“The moon is beautiful,” he said.
…he said…

Hope against hope,
time against time.
“Die before ye die!”

Huddled by the fire,
surrounded by stars –
the Quill and the Papyrus.

“Where is His Infinity?”
“Here!”
And they then glowed in the warmth of home.

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BOOKS!

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In these hours of bone-shaking desolation, I find my only consolation/retreat in a book; HARD TIMES, Charles Dickens.

When you’re angry, depressed and helpless, a serious realistic book based on real events is the best therapy. (minus×minus=plus)

You know why I love books so much, seem to never get enough and always go back to them besides the obvious reason that they are so damn cool is that for the first time in my life I could forget all my problems, my flaws and all the wrong things in life when I sat down in a library to read a book for the very first time in my life. I found my bliss looking onto a relatable world that had hitherto been unknown to me. My walls melted away. It calmed and balmed my soul.

The more tattered a book is, the more it has been read and loved. <3
#areader’sperspective

My Best Friend

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Happy Birthday love of my life!
It’s been 9 years now Ma sha Allah and if it’s even possible, I fall more and more in love with you with every passing day.
Every day with you has been a blessing, it’s been one hell of a ride. I’ve been honored with growing up with you, growing pains and all.
We have what we have, even if people may not understand or approve, even it may not fit the standards of society, it might not be the best example of friendship or companionship, but who cares when you’ve got what we’ve got.
I don’t need somebody’s definition, it’s made me the happiest, it’s special and I’ll cherish it for life.
You’re one of the most important things in my life, my first inspiration, one of the things that keep me going, you color the canvas of my life,
You make me smile.
You are the best, no one compares to you.
You are my favorite person in the whole world
I can’t really express in words what I feel for you, I’m so glad I have you in my life, thank you for being a part of my life.
You’re my best bitch!
I love all your mood swings, how you tell me off and your silly little tantrums.
You’ve really helped me grow as a person, you bring out the best in me, you complete me.
I love you for all that you are even if sometimes my actions seem quite the opposite.
Being with you is the best thing there is, I wouldn’t know what to do without you.
I love you so much it pretty much inappropriate, not to mention unhealthy.
I love you like I love jalebi.
I can’t ever lose you, moon of my life!
The things I’d do for you!
May you have all you deserve and more, best of both worlds. The best of my wishes, prayers, and blessings are always with you. May each of your days be the happiest to come. May you have a healthy, blissful, happy fulfilling life. May you have many more very happy birthdays to come and we get to celebrate them together always and grow old together.
xoxo
#ikmainauriktu