Retrouvaille 4/1/2014

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It’s been so long since I really talked to you, heart to heart. Well, the hour has come; for me to seek you, to come to you and for you to embrace me with the openest of hearts and arms.

Life is better, a lot better than it used to be. I eat better, sleep better and feel better, that is less of sleeping and eating and more of feeling good.

There’s such a big change in my life, I haven’t quite gotten used to it. Also, I’m less sulky these days. Actually, it doesn’t quite feel like me. Things are falling into place, my shoulders feel lighter, my heart warmer and my eyes shinier. Maybe it’s an overstatement but I might be becoming bright and shiny. :)

(But I feel there’s a downside to it. I’m not feeling. It’s like I’m burying my demons away from sight in a dark dingy place of my subconscious.)

Not what I deserved but what I needed

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Whatever I’m doing, you’re always there in the back of my mind, I can’t shake you away, I sometimes wish I had never loved you so much so I’d be spared the pain.

Sometimes, I just wish that I would meet someone and get whisked away off my feet into the sunset and never ever think of you again.

You moved on without me, and I’ve been stuck in the same place ever since, unable to move, standing right where I was left. I let myself be left but it hasn’t made it any easier.

I have had to say my goodbyes to my fair share of people. I gave up a lot of things because they weren’t right, it has made my life easier, better but I have set myself up for mass ostracization.

How did I know I was doing the right thing? It wasn’t easy, it hasn’t been and it won’t be.
Saying goodbye to you was almost the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have had to break it off with my first love, because you were my best friend and a really great one at that. I had taken you for granted forever, but, believe me, I didn’t anymore, how could I when I was the one being. And it still is hard on me, I miss you every day, there is a moment every day when I ache with loneliness, I feel a hole in my heart where you used to be, there’s just an empty shell left of you now, whether it’s the middle of the day or night. Sometimes I wake up having a dream of you only to forget it as soon as I wake up. Not a holiday goes by without me thinking of you.

You were already cutting me out of your life, what was I supposed to do. I could not stand to see it all go to ashes. Everything was leading up to it. I cared too much and you didn’t care enough, so I took all the blame. I became the good guy and the bad guy.

It continues to hurt me to date and I’ve learned to live with it. The worst part is does it even take you the 100th part of the struggle I have to go through every single time I think of you or even think about you? Does it even come to your mind, to think about me? It hurts, it hurts that I’m to you as I never was. I let you go, I have no right over you but you let me go a little too easily. How convenient it must have been for you.

Know that I haven’t forgotten you, I just keep it hidden very well. I feel you might not share my enthusiasm but for me, I didn’t stop being friends with you the day we stopped talking, in my heart of hearts you’re still the person you were to me, the person I knew you to be. I don’t know you now but I do know and remember that person.

If I can’t ever get you then loving you, probably is wrong.

I think I shouldn’t say anything to you until it’s right to. I think I have ruined it enough without me trying to do anything again.

Let’s just not say anything, let the rest of it survive, let the memories be good, for the most part.

What are you?

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I miss you.
God, I suddenly miss him so much that I just wanna go and tell him. Send him a long, long message, telling him everything. Maybe hear his voice. Only, if I had his number. It’s better that I don’t anymore or I would be calling him at such times just to hear his voice, only to have him hang up on me and feeling foolish later.
But, then, there are so many things to consider. First, my vow to wait until these four years are over, until I’m in a good place, far enough to weigh my feelings for him. I can’t believe it’s been almost four years, time flew by me, really. About my feelings for him, I’m still not sure. It’s just, it sweeps me away, all of it. It’s like it flows in my veins, and I forget about it most of the time but then it’s there like it never left. I just know what is it.
Then there’s the thing that I don’t know this person, the person that he’s become. I’m not even sure if I knew the person he was anymore so do I really “love” him or the idea of him or the memory of us or just what I want/think him to be. I’m not even sure if this is love, I never really am. And I think if this is just a backlash of depression, like I just want to direct all my fears, all my worries, all my expectations onto a person and have him tote all my baggage. It could very possibly be. Because this is stupid. And the worst part is, he has no idea, none. I don’t even know what he thinks of me now or if he even thinks of me. The last time I talked to him, he said we used to be “good friends” like that wasn’t a dagger in the back. Was that a hint? This is just so messed up. It just feels like he’s a ghost lurking in the corners and I’m not ready to exorcise myself of him.
And the most important thing; I don’t really want all this right now. I have a career to build, to make something of myself, I can’t deal with relationships right now, especially not something like this. I’m not even done with myself. I can’t invest myself in such things, I won’t. I am just too important to myself, and no one, no one, can change it. I’m just not ready to jeopardize myself for a chance and I won’t. Nothing can get in the way of that.
So what do we do? We wait until it goes away or becomes something tangible, like we have, for the past three years.

Dear One,

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I don’t know what to say to you.

I just miss you, a lot, very much, incessantly, perpetually, irrevocably.

Do you?

I just hope that you read these one day, these things I write for you, with me by your side, and we laugh it off….perfection. :’)
I am so random.
Well, I can’t compose myself now.
I’ll say things, that I shouldn’t. :]

 

2014-07-22 05:54:50 AM

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Dear friend,

I hope life’s being good to you and you to her. I’m doing well and loving the holidays. I wonder what you are up to.

Life is moving fast, you must have noticed how time is flying by as we stand, silent spectators, our triumphs its negligence and our negligence its triumph.

My eyes must be like orbs glowing in the dark as it’s early morning and I was going to sleep but then out of nowhere: I want to write to you. So here I am, in front of my computer’s screen, half of me telling me to sleep while the other half glad as it is.

It’s good being at home with not much to do. I’m hoarding up books but not bothering to take out the time to read them all, I’ve been spending most of my leisure time on the computer. You must be spending your leisure time pretty much the same way.

I’m really looking forward to next month, because I’ll be getting to meet family and friends and getting out more often.

Plus, as usual, I’m running out of time, there’s so much I want to do, yet so little time.

Well, that’s it for now.

I miss you, OK.

Take care.

Ciao!

2014-07-28 04:26:05 AM

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Dear friend,

I always hope and even believe that you’re in the best of health and doing well in life. Any other thought is always unwelcome. I am well.

I’m writing to you in the morning, again, because it’s so serene. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to write to you, just that I want to. Life’s dragging on, not half as bad, I suppose and hope because I haven’t been brooding lately. I’m off my anxiety meds and pulling it off with but a little difficulty.

I was reading Charles Dickens, his very dear David Copperfield. Remember how we used to talk about books? :’) I hope that, maybe, someday, we could read together, it could be like old times.

You will bear with me, I know, always have, and always will, I have no doubt, but that’s just you.

I hope that you are liking your endeavors much more than I am and toiling for them.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow. I am very excited to reunite with the family. It has been long since I have had the leisure of spending some quality time with them. I’ll be getting to wear my new clothes, since it’s Eid, which brings me to realize that it is one of those things we will always share and makes me really, really very, very happy. I was thinking graduation, but, alas! If only I had joined university a year later.

I do not know what it is, that makes me hold on to you, although, seemingly, there is nothing to hold on to. I believe that it is that unbreakable bond, far beyond the norms and limits of this society. In this exact moment when I am writing this, I feel, that, the bond we share, does not require the exchange of words or looks, rather, our hearts beat to alternate rhythms, listening when the other is not speaking, feeling the pain even when the other is smiling and distinguishing the truth from the pretence. When I looked into your eyes for the last time, I felt that we were not two but one, that we were infinite. It is neither love nor mere friendship, I cannot attribute a word to the feeling we share. At this moment, my heart has whispered in my ear that even if it were for you to no longer be, I would feel the same infinity. The separation from you has won me sharp pangs of longing yet I cannot yield.

It always makes me so emboldened, writing. I want to be a writer, rather, my heart longs for it so that my mind has come to acknowledge it. It would be the perfect life for me, don’t you think?

You are so near yet so distant. Many a time, I want to break these bonds, that hold me back from you but as they say, all good things for those who wait. I guess I am waiting for my happily ever after.

Nothing is for certain, I know, but being the hopeless romantic that I am, you cannot expect me to be not weaving a fairy tale out of the thread of the boundless human imagination to hang on the inner walls of my heart.

Well, a good day to you, dear friend. I wish you the best of luck and health. May the angels shower God’s blessings upon you and may your heart be filled with His light. All the happiness in the world to you. If it were to rain upon you may it be I holding the umbrella over your head and soaking in the rain myself. If it were to stand in the crowd, invisible to your eyes, to see you happy that I would gladly do it for you have been my friend, and always will be.

Take care.

Love always, for my beloved poet Rumi, who showed me love in its infinite forms, taught me,

“It is love that holds everything together, and it is the everything also.”

6/17/2014

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You’ve become a stranger to me, nevertheless, I still try to find in you, the person I once knew. And it hurts you to see you moving on with your life while I’m still stuck in the past. You moved on and I’ve been left standing in the same place ever since.
I never knew I could fall for you. I never knew when you got under my skin and it became so damned hard to let go.
A part of me wants to let you know, be vulnerable to you while fighting with the part begging me to let you be your own person and not hurting you by going in and out of your life.
It’s not the right time, I know it. I’m not dragging you into this mess. I  can’t do that to you. You have to have a life. You have to live for yourself. You have to achieve your goals and realize your dreams your way. It has to be your decision to make.