Not what I deserved but what I needed


Whatever I’m doing, you’re always there in the back of my mind, I can’t shake you away, I sometimes wish I had never loved you so much so I’d be spared the pain.

Sometimes, I just wish that I would meet someone and get whisked away off my feet into the sunset and never ever think of you again.

You moved on without me, and I’ve been stuck in the same place ever since, unable to move, standing right where I was left. I let myself be left but it hasn’t made it any easier.

I have had to say my goodbyes to my fair share of people. I gave up a lot of things because they weren’t right, it has made my life easier, better but I have set myself up for mass ostracization.

How did I know I was doing the right thing? It wasn’t easy, it hasn’t been and it won’t be.
Saying goodbye to you was almost the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have had to break it off with my first love, because you were my best friend and a really great one at that. I had taken you for granted forever, but, believe me, I didn’t anymore, how could I when I was the one being. And it still is hard on me, I miss you every day, there is a moment every day when I ache with loneliness, I feel a hole in my heart where you used to be, there’s just an empty shell left of you now, whether it’s the middle of the day or night. Sometimes I wake up having a dream of you only to forget it as soon as I wake up. Not a holiday goes by without me thinking of you.

You were already cutting me out of your life, what was I supposed to do. I could not stand to see it all go to ashes. Everything was leading up to it. I cared too much and you didn’t care enough, so I took all the blame. I became the good guy and the bad guy.

It continues to hurt me to date and I’ve learned to live with it. The worst part is does it even take you the 100th part of the struggle I have to go through every single time I think of you or even think about you? Does it even come to your mind, to think about me? It hurts, it hurts that I’m to you as I never was. I let you go, I have no right over you but you let me go a little too easily. How convenient it must have been for you.

Know that I haven’t forgotten you, I just keep it hidden very well. I feel you might not share my enthusiasm but for me, I didn’t stop being friends with you the day we stopped talking, in my heart of hearts you’re still the person you were to me, the person I knew you to be. I don’t know you now but I do know and remember that person.

If I can’t ever get you then loving you, probably is wrong.

I think I shouldn’t say anything to you until it’s right to. I think I have ruined it enough without me trying to do anything again.

Let’s just not say anything, let the rest of it survive, let the memories be good, for the most part.


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