I miss you.
God, I suddenly miss him so much that I just wanna go and tell him. Send him a long, long message, telling him everything. Maybe hear his voice. Only, if I had his number. It’s better that I don’t anymore or I would be calling him at such times just to hear his voice, only to have him hang up on me and feeling foolish later.
But, then, there are so many things to consider. First, my vow to wait until these four years are over, until I’m in a good place, far enough to weigh my feelings for him. I can’t believe it’s been almost four years, time flew by me, really. About my feelings for him, I’m still not sure. It’s just, it sweeps me away, all of it. It’s like it flows in my veins, and I forget about it most of the time but then it’s there like it never left. I just know what is it.
Then there’s the thing that I don’t know this person, the person that he’s become. I’m not even sure if I knew the person he was anymore so do I really “love” him or the idea of him or the memory of us or just what I want/think him to be. I’m not even sure if this is love, I never really am. And I think if this is just a backlash of depression, like I just want to direct all my fears, all my worries, all my expectations onto a person and have him tote all my baggage. It could very possibly be. Because this is stupid. And the worst part is, he has no idea, none. I don’t even know what he thinks of me now or if he even thinks of me. The last time I talked to him, he said we used to be “good friends” like that wasn’t a dagger in the back. Was that a hint? This is just so messed up. It just feels like he’s a ghost lurking in the corners and I’m not ready to exorcise myself of him.
And the most important thing; I don’t really want all this right now. I have a career to build, to make something of myself, I can’t deal with relationships right now, especially not something like this. I’m not even done with myself. I can’t invest myself in such things, I won’t. I am just too important to myself, and no one, no one, can change it. I’m just not ready to jeopardize myself for a chance and I won’t. Nothing can get in the way of that.
So what do we do? We wait until it goes away or becomes something tangible, like we have, for the past three years.
I miss you.