1/28/2014

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I’m back to writing to you again, cause it’s choking me, it suffocates me and it pains me not to talk to you. I know that we’re very different people but I feel what I feel.

You have no idea how hard it was, it is, to let you go, to see you moving on with your life, seeing you with your new friends. You know how it feels like thinking that I was just another person in your life because to be honest, even as much as I would want to think otherwise, you don’t seem as someone one who has a special place for people in their heart. I just can’t help feeling that way.

I don’t know if I’m in love with you or not, if it’s love or something else entirely, I really don’t know but I really feel for you, you were a best friend and most of all I miss my friend. I miss you when I hear Eminem’s songs, I miss you when I search songs on your site, there are just so many times which I can’t bring myself to recall at the moment, but just at every single thing even remotely connected to you or the memories knocks at my door, I just miss you and it hurts. It really really hurts.

I see your profile, with a hope of seeing your face, a comment, even a smiley or a word written by your hand and it just takes me somewhere else, melancholic and ecstatic. You have no idea how much.

No matter who pines after me, no matter who I think about, no matter who I see, in a nook of my mind, my heart, there’s always you. It’s just I feel that you’re the right person for me to spend my life with. You’re my person. You’re the one about whom I can’t really fantasize because it’s you. You’re the person whom I talk to, share, grieve with, love, cherish and care about.

You know how much it takes in me to stop myself from talking to you. I don’t know the extent I’d go to just to be at your side but it has to be only the right way so I back off. I know it’s wrong but you know what I think foremostly,  I think that it would hurt you to tell you the truths, even the technical ones and leave you hanging in there. I just have this feeling every time the thought of talking to you crosses my mind, in spite of everything that happened.

I don’t know if it’s denial or love or about not letting go, I just can’t. I just don’t know how I would hold myself together if it weren’t for you. I can’t let you go, I just can’t. It’s the exact thing I want now, even if things turn out unexpectedly, even if it’s just the memories, I can’t live without you. I need you in my heart. It just helps with keeping people out and heartbreak.

You know, every time I really want to talk to you, every time after I think out the different possibilities, I think that these feelings in my heart, if they’re real, they’ll reach you, and you’ll know, and you’ll feel my love at some spiritual level. I just have faith in that, I have to have faith because it’s all I’ve got, you’re all got. Maybe it’s just easier or part of the rebound that I hold on to you through a figment of memory, some person I used to know and someone from whom I had to walk away broken, it’s all I’ve got to get on, it’s the best I’ve got.

I just miss you too much, and it pains me…….But I just have to believe that someday, somewhere, someplace all of this will mean something.

And I want you to seek me, because it just can’t always be me, chasing after you. I don’t want to be the Callie crushing on the O’Mailey……….IF I SET MY LIFE ON FIRE, I WANT YOU TO FAN MY FLAMES.