I Want the World

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I want to climb the mountains, swim in the sea, watch the dolphins jump in the water, sunbathe on the beach, kiss someone in the rain, make love on a deserted island, die in the arms of my soul mate, love passionately, soulfully, wholly, give my everything and to be loved back the same way, teach my six children to read, to love, to bake, to love life, to see them grow up to be more mature, intelligent, mellow and shrewd than I have ever been, to write books, to paint nature, to learn science, teach, research, help people, be someone’s shoulder to rest on, become the best daughter, sister, mother, niece, cousin, friend, person, human that one can be, be the best I can be, fulfill my purpose in life, give people something to remember, give and leave a part of me for the world to see, dwell, experience and remember, be the light of someone’s eyes, beat of someone’s heart, music to someone’s soul and the melody to someone’s song. I want to flow in the veins of someone. I want to love and be loved by everyone, be everyone’s friend, be everything to someone, give out my soul to the world and lay my heart out on its feet. I don’t want to run away. I don’t want to be alone. I want to die surrounded by the people I love. I want those people to let me go, willingly, happily, and I, them. I don’t want to be someone’s source of grief and suffering. I want to be the balm to everyone’s wounds. I want to be the reason for happiness, be it anyone. I don’t want to judge. I want to live! I want life to run in my veins!
So, no, this is not the time to grieve, there is a time for everything, and this time, it’s the one to celebrate, it’s the one to close the last chapter and begin a new one. It’s the time to rejoice, even the pain and suffering, because it is what makes you feel alive and makes every breath, every moment count. All the things in the world, all the powers, and all that there is to bring about everything has conspired and engineered to bring about this moment, So, the question is; “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THIS MOMENT?”

If you’ll have me

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I’m here to pour out my heart to you, lay out my bare soul to pool at your feet and to give out to you all that I have to give. I want to share my world with you, intimately, passionately and unconditionally. I want my role in your life to be something that will touch the deepest crevices and nooks of your soul, calm your inner demons and bestow your darkest parts with the brightest of lights….If you’ll have me.

My very dear

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You know as I was listening to “RAP GOD” this evening and I enjoyed it like I had never before, I thought of someone to share this joy with, and guess who was that someone?. It was you…

I just really wished I could talk to you and it wouldn’t be wrong for either of us to talk to each other. I missed my friend today with whom I used to share some common interests like this one. I thought of sending you a message telling you how I liked Rap God and how I wanted to share it with you and ask you not to reply indirectly but I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. I just think it would be hard on you and I don’t know why. It wasn’t like you were more attached to me than I was to you….

And you know, I just keep thinking that this couldn’t be the end. Only this noon, I thought what if some years from now I would be ashamed or laughing at myself for believing that you’ll come back to me but you know I just can’t shake off the feeling that this isn’t the end…it just can’t be. So much has been left unsaid, unheard. Maybe it’s what they call “faith, belief”, yeah, maybe that’s what it is. Maybe that’s what keeps me going, doing the right thing, going through all this, taking all the pain and believing in the hope that one day, one day, all this will be over and I’ll be rewarded with something far beyond my wildest dreams. YEAH, that’s it. That’s what I believe even if it’s the silliest thing for some people in the world because it’s what I need right now.

And, you know, while I was returning home this evening in the local transport, because that’s how I travel now, I thought why don’t guys travel by public transport, if I can do it, why can’t they?, why do they ever use the university transport buses?, well, I don’t expect you to understand my opinion much, no one really does, not even AB. Well, the thing that I really wanted to tell you is that I thought if we still were friends, actually I fantasized about telling you that I came by public transport, you’d worry and start to come with me every day out of some of the over protectiveness you showed when we went to watch that movie. You know, it makes me really glad that we had that experience, I love that I got to sit by you in the cinema and that you texted me inquiring had I reached safely after. You’re a great person, and it’s one of the reasons I love you. It’s the truth laid, bare and clear….

Well, I was talking about my fantasy. It would be a dream come true if I got to travel with you. The best of travel experience.

And, the last but not least, the most important thing that has to be said, you know why I wrote all this, even though I can’t even say hi to you much less send you this?

Well……..I really wanted to talk to you but I couldn’t and I felt very sad so I thought I would write it in my journal. I thought whenever I wanted to talk to you or convey my thoughts, I ‘ll write it in my journal and……….maybe, someday I’ll even get to show you because at this time, this point in life, you are the one, YOU ARE MY HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

P.S. I wrote all this in gray because these are sort of memories, the past and yet to be.

Love Always.